diesel

Sorry for disappearing for two months, y'all. I've had so much to write about, and so much going on, but I couldn't make myself write anything without talking about Diesel first. I wrote all this a week after it happened and kept it as a draft for this long. It still makes me cry reading it, but I can't make myself change anything. I'm pretty sure he was in just about every post I made, whether it was on vacation at the lake or his little paws next to some string art. Here's to my D man. 

my baby boy. 

i miss him.

last wednesday (oct 30), I noticed he was acting funny. he was drooling and shaking and was acting very lethargic. of course it was a day I was working outside. i wish i had noticed sooner.. 

i took him to the emergency vet. on the way there, he started moaning. i'll never forget that sound. i felt helpless. i cried right along with him. once we arrived, he couldn't even walk in. poor baby leaned against my tire. i scooped him up with tears in my eyes and ran him inside. i cried when they took him back. he hates the vet. after filling out forms, the vet came out and asked if he had ingested anything toxic. there was nothing i could think of. there is still nothing i can think of. 

they gave him fluids and something to calm him down. i got to go back to see him. poor thing looked pitiful. he was lying on his side, covered with a towel, moaning with every breath he took. i didn't want to move him in fear it would cause him pain. if i could go back, i would've pulled him close and held him for as long as i could. 

i told him i loved him as i rubbed his ears. he tried to move, i know he knew it was me. i know he wanted to leave. he hates being at the vet. part of me wonders if i had stayed, maybe he wouldn't have been as stressed and would've pulled through..

i left my poor boy in distress. i got the call at 5:30 the next morning that he didn't make it. i cannot tell you how sad i am. how big this empty hole in my chest feels. how much it hurts. 

cotton and diesel are opposite in every way. not just physically, but in the way they act. they were the perfect set. cotton is a lounger, whereas diesel was always jumping around. diesel came when i called, cotton does not. diesel slept by my head, cotton by my feet. he would even let me sleep on him. cotton won't cuddle. i use to think this was a good thing, so they each got what they wanted. now i don't have a snuggle buddy. 

diesel loved to dig into people. most would assume he was trying to sniff your crotch, but i assure you, he was just so excited and wanted to be as close to you as possible. he would put his head in between my knees and wiggle back and forth. same with my side if we were sitting on the couch. i will miss his digging. 

he would tap dance when i got home. we would even do it together. it was like his body was so full of joy that he couldn't contain himself. 

he would sit so funny, like a little statue. i could bend down and hug him, and he would lay his little head on my shoulder. he had a soft spot right about his nose that he would let me rub. 

he always wanted to be touching me. putting his head on my computer, sitting next to me on the couch, waking up with him on the pillow next to me. 

he use to talk if i asked a question. he knew "dyouuu wanna go outside?" and "are you hungry?". he would bark as soon as i asked meaning he wanted to go out or eat. he was very smart. 

working from home, i am with my dogs 24/7. i physically feel like a piece of me is gone now. my heart hurts. i miss him so. cotton doesn't sit next to me while i work like he did. she doesn't humor me when i talk to her whereas he would tilt his head or wag his tail. 

he was funny. this might sound dumb, but if i laughed at him, he would get more excited, like he knew he made me happy. 

i don't think cotton realizes he is not coming back. they've been separated before, but only a week or so at a time. 

he would always curl up beside her, and she would tolerate it for a while before moving to the other side of the room. 

she looks out the window more often now, and i wonder if she's looking for him. 

they've been together since the day they were born, give or take a few days. 

i keep thinking i'll see him in my dreams. it hasn't happened yet, but every night before i close my eyes, i think of him and hope i'll get to see his little face. 

i am very thankful for my friends. i appreciate all the texts and calls. a handful of people know how terribly hard this has been, and continue to check in on me. working from home by myself is a constant reminder that he is not here. sweet katie brought me a little scrapbook with pictures of my d-man. 

there will never be another quite like my diesie pup. i've cried everyday because i miss him so much. it hurts. people might think it's silly how much i've mourned over my dog, but he has been with me the last 7 years. that's 1/4 of my life, and my entire adult life thus far. he and cotton are the first pets i've been solely responsible for. 

i hope diesel is playing in the great puppy field in the sky. i hope he's found someone to dig into until we are united again. i hope i never forget the love i have had for my little d-man. 

all these thoughts have been swimming around in my head for the past week, and i had to get them out before they ate away at my ability to function. i am not looking for sympathy in writing this, rather i wanted to get down some of the memories of my little man that i never want to forget. 

……………….

Since I wrote this, I have seen my D man a few times in my dreams. I also see a lot of ladybugs, which I've heard sometimes happens to people when they lose someone close to them. In fact, one crawled across my string art board the other day, and I couldn't help but think maybe his little spirit was sitting there with me. 

Cotton is better about snuggling with her mama. Maybe it's because I smothered her for several weeks there.. She sleeps in the bed with me now, but always at my feet. She even digs into people now, so maybe she is a bit more like Diesel than I thought. :) 

It's weird going from saying "I need to feed the dogs" to "I need to feed Cotton". "The pups errr Cotton needs to go out". It's weird to drive with just one, as opposed to both of them sticking their heads out the back windows. We went to the lake for the first time without D, and I made Cotton come inside bc she no longer had her brother to hang out with on the porch. Lots of adjusting going on over here. 

I can talk about him now without bawling like a baby. 

Unless I've had some wine. Then get ready for the waterworks. 

Now that I've gotten this terribly depressing post out, I am hoping to move forward with my typical funny self. hardy har har.